March 11th, 2010 by kruzman
Whoever said, “You can’t take it with you” was obviously not referring to a sense of humor …
Here is a list of actual epitaphs from departed souls who clearly had more to say than the time to say it, or from their next of kin, who wanted to be sure they literally had the last word:
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies
Ezekial Aikle
Age 102
The Good Die Young.
In a London, England cemetery:
Ann Mann
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies
Johnny Yeast
Pardon me
For not rising.
Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays Butch,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.
A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery:
Sacred to the memory of my husband John Barnes
who died January 3, 1803
His comely young widow, aged 23, has many qualifications of a good
wife, and yearns to be comforted.
A lawyer’s epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.
Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:
I was somebody.
Who, is no business
Of yours.
Lester Moore was a Wells Fargo station agent for Naco, Arizona in the cowboy days of the 1880’s. He’s buried in the Boot Hill Cemetery in Tombstone, Arizona:
Here lies Lester Moore
Four slugs from a .44
No Les No More.
In a Georgia cemetery:
“I told you I was sick!”
John Penny’s epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader if cash thou art
In want of any
Dig 4 feet deep
And thou wilt find a Penny.
On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery Richmond, Virginia:
She always said
her feet were killing her
but nobody believed her.
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June
- Jonathan Fiddle -
Went out of tune.
Anna Hopewell’s grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont has an epitaph that sounds like something from a Three Stooges movie:
Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn’t the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
Here’s more fun with names, this time featuring Owen Moore in Battersea, London, England:
Gone away
Owin’ more
Than he could pay.
Someone in Winslow, Maine didn’t like Mr Wood:
In Memory of Beza Wood
Departed this life
Nov. 2, 1837
Aged 45 yrs.
Here lies one Wood
Enclosed in wood
One Wood
Within another.
The outer wood
Is very good:
We cannot praise
The other.
On a grave from the 1880’s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there’s only the pod:
Pease shelled out and went to God.
The grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania is almost a consumer tip:
Who was fatally burned
March 21, 1870
by the explosion of a lamp
filled with “R.E. Danforth’s
Non-Explosive Burning Fluid”
Here’s Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903–Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down.
It was.
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.
But does he make house calls? Dr Fred Roberts, Brookland, Arkansas:
Office now upstairs
Let’s hope.
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February 21st, 2010 by kruzman
Baby boomers, who exercise more than any generation before them, have been flocking to orthopedic surgeons to tend to their aching tendons and joints.
As news of the growing need for surgical intervention spread, a number of boomers have found the willpower to moderate the intensity of their workout routines.
Personal experience has also confirmed the wisdom of moderation. For example, one inveterate marathoner was shocked by the surprising perception that there were not a lot of senior citizens dashing across the finish line in the New York Marathon.
He began to wonder if at a certain age less strenuous activity might actually be, not only the better part of healthcare, but all that’s generally possible. He also began to ask himself if seniors who persisted in intense physical challenges like the marathon were absent at or near the finish line because they literally dropped by the wayside. He dismissed that possibility, because it really brought into question his hope for up-to-the-last-minute youth.
He shared the possible advisability of moderation with a fellow boomer, who happened to be his girlfriend. She agreed to take it into consideration but required proof of the astonishing comeuppance. So, while working out at her gym, she looked around and noticed, to her amazement, that there were not a lot of seniors sweating along with her, especially on the running track and in the weight room.
Most unsettling of all, she noticed that a confounded lot of the runners looked younger than she did.
She dared to break the stunning revelation to a friend, who told her boyfriend. Since hot news has a way of making it through the boomer vine, soon the bewildered generation was abuzz with the invitation to moderation.
Being serious about their health, many have researched the bone-crushing consequences of persistent over-exercise and have discovered that that they really should take it a little easy on themselves, especially since many of them are flirting with age 60. It seems that if they can persuade themselves of the wisdom at least some moderation they will go a long way toward preserving their knees, ankles, and assorted joints, tendons, and muscles. They could also save on visits to the surgeon.
As expected, however, hard-line boomers are adopting an over-exercise-until-you-drop attitude.
As one recalcitrant member of the group said, “Hey, it’s like exercising came with the genes. I can’t change my routine anymore than I can change my feet, which wake up every morning, ready to run for miles.”
This group is so determined they plan to exercise excessively, even if it means hobbling into old age due to self-inflicted hobbling. As another member of the over-exercise or you’re over-the-hill group stated, ”Look, if I’m going to need a knee replacement or two, I might as well be one of the first in my generation to get one.”
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February 13th, 2010 by kruzman
She was a little bit country. He was a little bit rock and roll. Together, they were a whole lot of ridiculous. And somehow, through the magic of over-the-top musical numbers, phenomenal guest stars, and painfully kitschy acting skills, Donny and Marie Osmond captured the attention and hearts of the entire nation. While The Donny and Marie Show of the late seventies only lasted a handful of seasons, their outrageous prime-time antics have made a lasting impression on TV viewers of any generation.
The Donny & Marie Show was created by SId and Marty Krofft, the famed creators of other such offbeat television programs as H.R. Pufnstuf and Land of the Lost. It aired from January 1976 to May 1979 as a weekly on ABC and featured such famous guest stars as Redd Fox, Lucile Ball, Betty White, Jerry Lewis, and Milton Berle. The format usually consisted of an elaborate opening act followed by a series of comedy sketches and an even more elaborate closing musical number. But for all the campy scripts and synchronized dance routines, the real stars of the Donny & Marie Show were, without a doubt, the costumes.
The 1977 Christmas special episode is a great example of Donny and Marie’s ability to balance cutesy-poo costumes on that thin line between adorable and nauseating. Donny kept it simple; dressing in a matching white knit sweater and slacks combo with a red, white and green striped scarf, he wasn’t afraid to say to the world, “Hi! I’m Donny Osmond! I taste like spearmint!” Marie made bolder choices in her winter finest with what looks to be a one-piece body suit but, upon closer inspection, turns out to be a sweater and stretch pants that are just slightly different shades of green. What makes this episode so memorable costume-wise is the fact that the entire Osmond family was featured –Mother, Father, the small army of twenty-eight that is the rest of their immediate family– and they all match. I’m not sure who was in charge of coordinating outfits for that episode, but my hat certainly is off.
Another interesting costume extravaganza was the episode in which Marie celebrated her 18th birthday. In this episode, Marie and Donny sing their familiar weekly number, “I’m A Little BIt Country, I’m A Little Bit Rock-and-Roll”, but this time — gasp! — they switch lyrics! That’s right! And what kind of dramatic turn events would it be without ridiculous costumes. Both Donny and Marie sport matching silver outfits. Donny has a faux-western theme going on, while Marie looks like she just got back from touring with David Bowie. Marie also has an enormous new hairdo or, as Donny refers to it, a “hair don’t.”
Donny and Marie didn’t stop at matching scarves and silver jumpsuits, though. In one episode, Donny portrays a superhero character known as Captain Purple, wearing an oversized purple muscle suit and wig and, as his mild-mannered alter-ego, a flannel suit. Not to be outdone, Marie suits up herself as Gnidder Neleh (Helen Redding spelled backward) in an equally campy red-orange mini-skirt and wig.
Star Wars being the cultural phenomenon that it was, it only made sense that Donny and Marie would have to do a parody of it. Donny plays Luke and Marie plays Leia with such guest stars as Redd Fox, Kris Kristofferson, Paul Lynde, and a few of the Osmond brothers. The costumes were polished, Osmond-style variations of the originals; unfortunately, C-3PO ends up stealing the show.
The best costumes of the entire series, however, belong to the famous Wizard of Oz episode. Marie plays Dorothy in a red checkered dress and pigtails, Donny is a Willy Wonka-esque Wizard in a yellow-green, curly wig and sparkling fez hat, and Paul Lynde is a downright terrifying Wicked Witch of the West in full green face paint, black gown and gruesome fingernails. Additional victims…err, guests…of this episode include Lucille Ball as the Tin Man, Paul Williams as the Cowardly Lion and Ray Bolger as the Scarecrow. The entire production is technicolor bizarre; the epitome of classic Donny and Marie.
While the show did indeed host a laundry list of Hollywood greats, the real stars weren’t the people on the stage but the clothes on the people. From platform shoes and bellbottoms to capes and ice skates, Donny and Marie weren’t afraid to let their clothes pick up where their own talent left off. And while some may find The Donny & Marie Show silly and outdated, one thing is for sure; there hasn’t been anything like it on television since. Wardrobe-wise, that is.
Article submitted by Ben Anton, 2008
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January 18th, 2010 by kruzman
Perhaps you have considered hiring a movie star lookalike or female impersonator for your next get together or special event? If you haven’t, you could be missing out on one of the newest trends in event planning right now. Hiring celebrity lookalikes and female impersonators can help your up coming event by:
•Offering laughs and surprises. Truly imagine the look on your guests’ faces as they are greeted by Elvis or Madonna at your party or big event. Many people laugh out loud when they see celebrity lookalikes and female impersonators. By including these types of entertainers, you can instantly create a great atmosphere as well as encourage people to relax and enjoy themselves.
•Drawing attention. If celebrity lookalikes and female impersonators arrive at your function, it is certain that people will be intrigued and want to join in all the fun. In addition, think about the terrific response you can get if you publicize that The Beatles will be at your music school workshop. The truth is, celebrity and female impersonators can be great marketing, regardless of what sort of function you will be hosting.
•Offering a personalized event. There are qualified entertainers out there who can impersonate anyone and anything. No matter what your interests and no matter what the motif of your function, you can find excellent lookalike entertainers that can assist you. Even if you are preparing a business conference, consider the great atmosphere you would build by including Bill Gates or Donald Trump lookalikes.
•Offering superb entertainment. Many celebrity lookalikes and female impersonators have voice and theater training. Some can provide speeches, sing, or do stand up comedy acts. Should you be tired of having the same old music band, lookalikes are a vibrant new alternative.
•Offering wonderful photograph possibilities. Few entertainers offer the kind of excellent photos that celeb lookalikes and female impersonators can offer. These entertainers devote hours achieving a perfect look to make your event an incredible success.
No matter what your next big event will be like, hiring celebrity and female impersonators is a great idea. Your guests will talk about your event for years to come and will eagerly anticipate the future events you host.
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December 19th, 2009 by kruzman
Since the 1950s, when little although fast players had an opportunity of making it onto a professional court – such as the legendary Bob Cousy of the Boston Celtics, known for startling innovations such as dribbling and passing behind the back – the game has been dominated by ever taller athletes, starting with the arrival of Wilt, The Stilt, Chamberlain.
Today, The National Basketball Association has come to realize that the trend to tall has demoralized people of which fall within the standard array of human height and that it has positively devastated little persons.
Compared to the slam- dunking ways of the seven footers, these distressed athletes simply can’t get people interested in watching them hoop it up. Consequently, interest in the game as a participation activity has waned, and the association is concerned that, as less persons run up their excitement about playing it, fewer of them will pay to see it.
In an attempt to turn back basketball to the generally poplar place it held in the minds and hearts of the US public before it became the exclusive province of players whose moms might be suspected of stretching them as babies, the association is considering legitimizing a court simply for individuals of common height, with a special accommodation for shorter individuals. The basic plan calls for the basket to be lowered by one foot for players from 5’ 6” to 6’ 6” as well as two feet for people who are actually shorter but still picture slam- dunking the ball in addition to dangling from the hoop in a celebratory fashion.
When the new guidelines go into effect, virtually everyone can eventually be able to enjoy the game in as dramatic a style as today’s seven footers.
For now the strategy calls for limiting the innovation to beginner players, but the association confides that if fans once again take an interest in viewing common- dimension persons play the game, there is the potential to establish an entire brand new league, made up of speed merchants that may be merely eye- high to a present pro’s elbows.
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